Father’s day

Father’s day 2020 taught me a few lessons, and I thought to share with you guys. That day, I had a call with my dad, and it was so surreal and peaceful. It made me think back. I went down memory lane to see how far we have come.

Growing up, I was angry at my dad. He wasn’t a perfect man; he did the best he could with what he knew. As a child, I always wished that he was more emotionally connected and he was more available. I also wished that he treated my mother better.  Because of all that, I was constantly angry with him. I could hardly, in the past, have a call with my dad without it ending in argument, strife, or anger. But I made a conscious effort to heal from that, to forgive because I started to see things differently. I started to look at it that this man would have done better if he knew better. I looked at his childhood, and I understood that he didn’t even have a childhood.

His father died when he was six months, and he was tossed from one uncle’s house to one brother’s house, and he grew up so fast. He wasn’t shown love as a child. consequently,  he didn’t know how to show or receive love. When I started to look at these things, I started to understand him better. Now, I’m not in any way making an excuse for him for not doing a great job as a father.  I’m not making any excuses for him or fathers who neglect their kids or who do not put in the shift. All I’m saying is that for your own sake, who is the child, you need to find a way to forgive. And if you want to forgive then you need to look at the story and reframe it, which is what I have done with my dad.  I have reframed the story. I used to feel that he should have done better, but now I have realized that if he knew better, he would have done better.

I also look back, and I see how much all those past experiences have contributed to who I am today. It’s majorly because of my childhood that I do what I do. I felt that if my parents did better,  I would have been a better person and probably been at a better place. But then, again, I came to understand that everything is for a reason. Everything happening in your life is just as it should be because everything is happening to launch you into where God wants to take you to.  It’s majorly because of my own childhood that I decided to do better as a parent, first of all, and then to help other families do better. Maybe, I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing right now if my dad was all that. It’s all experiences, and we have to find a way to move into a better place from those experiences.

I’m speaking to somebody here who might be hurting from neglect or from some childhood trauma.  You need to heal. You need to let go of that strife. You need to let go of that unforgiveness. You need to find a way to forgive because if you don’t, you’re going to carry that strife and anger into your own home. You’re going to lash it out on your kids, which is not good for you, your kids, and your loved ones. You need to find a way to heal, then you can come from a place of peace and wholesomeness to provide care for the people that are in your care currently.

So if this is you, understand that everything that you went through in life contributed to making you who you are today.  Your story is not over. Look at your past as a resource to do better, especially for your kids. If you feel that your childhood wasn’t pleasant, then you have to stay committed to giving your children a pleasant childhood. If you feel that you weren’t trained enough as a child, then you have to stay committed to training your children enough now that they are kids. Everything is just as it should be. No need to carry the strife. No need to carry the baggage into the future. Let’s drop it right here and right now.

If you ‘re a Christian, you know that the Bible says that you own no man nothing but love. You can love every one regardless of what they have done to you. Yes, some people are toxic, and you may not want to allow them into your space or your emotional space, but you can forgive them, and you can love them from afar. This is very doable! It is liberating when you have no strife against anyone.

Indeed, it was a very memorable father’s day for me. I look back and see how far we have come. I see how far I have come from that angry bitter little girl to the woman I am today, and I’m grateful to God for all of it. This is an experience I want as many people as possible to have.

Start the journey to healing today. If you don’t know how to start, you can drop a message at hello@drvivianokoye.com, and I will respond as soon as I can.